I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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