just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
