You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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