Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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