Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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