I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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