can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize