OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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