If i come over, it means nothing
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
