if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
