Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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