That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
