I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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