He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
