I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
false alarm. still invincible.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
