I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
