Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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