I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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