just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
