you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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