I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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