Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
