So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
