I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
