Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I need a beard to bite.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
