I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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