Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
