making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
