i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize