Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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