First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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