I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
