is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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