I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
