im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
