I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
