Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
