I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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