meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
