sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
