I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
