even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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