can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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