Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
