There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
