Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
