I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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