Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
