Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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