I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
