Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
