Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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