In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
