it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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