but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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