just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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