I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
