I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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