The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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