I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
