I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
